Daddy

So, sweetie, did you have fun today?

Yes, Daddy...the zoo was great...I've never seen real live tigers before...and elephants...and lions...and...and everything!!!

Did you enjoy your lunch in the safari hut?

Oh, yes, Daddy...it was great too! Our waiter was funny! He kept tickling me with his tail!
I know...I thought you would like that...it was fun, huh?

So now what do you want for dinner? You can have anything you want on the room service menu...you just pick...this is our special weekend...do you want to get a movie too? I think that one you wanted to see with the penguins in on here...come look.

OK...um...I want a chocolate sundae and a chocolate milkshake and chicken fingers and pizza and chocolate ice cream and...

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a sec...you're going too fast! OK...you just point to the stuff when I call the lady, ok?

OK. Thanks Daddy.

OK honey...you know I love you, right?

Yeah, Daddy...I know...

OK then...come on over here and thank your Daddy properly.

It's Just Not Fair!

But it's just not fair...I've been a good husband, haven't I?
I mean everyone makes mistakes, right? But I'm a good person. And we love each other. At least we used to.
I just can't believe this is happening. Me...in a hotel...and her at home with the kids and the dog...it's like a god damned country song.
I mean sure, I left my stuff around...but what's the big deal? A few dishes here and there once in a while...and I know I wasn't as bad as she says with my clothes...what if something happened and I had to get up in the night?
And the nagging! I can hear you! Enough!
OK, so maybe I didn't do stuff exactly when she asked, but come on...we're all busy, right? I'll do it when I'm ready!
She knew what I was like when she married me...this is the problem with women...they always think they can change you! Well, I'm me and I'm not changing for anybody! She can kiss my ass!
Opens the mini-bar
I can't believe the prices on this shit.
Picks up the room phone
Front Desk? Is there anyplace around here I could buy some beer? Yeah...ok...ok...thanks.
OK, so where'd my wallet go?
Oh God...I love this picture...I can't believe there won't be any more family pictures. Oh God...no...it's just not fair!!!

The Fieldtrip

Slam! Do you know what those little pricks are doing now? Where in God’s name did they get whipped cream? At least I hope it’s whipped cream…it smells kinda strong…oh Shit…

What? Calm down, Judy…what is it? So they sprayed some whipped cream…they’re on a school trip…what did you expect? That they’d be in bed by 8 all tucked in in their jammies with their teddy bears? They’re 12 yrs old!

Running for the shower….Jesus Christ! It is too! The little pricks don’t have whipped cream, Hillary…I think it’s hair removal stuff! Oh My God! I’ll kill them…I swear I’ll kill every last one of them…I’ll wring their little necks.

Judy! Calm down! They’re just kids…they didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sure. They’re just playing around. That’s what kids do on school trips.

They’re the spawn of Satan, I tell you…there is nothing about these kids that is normal…how did I get talked into this chaperoning thing anyway? Hand me that shampoo, would you? I haven’t even finished unpacking my bag yet…if I don’t get this out of my hair quick, it’ll all fall out.

Here you go. Use mine…I don’t want to root through your bag.

OK, thanks.

Maybe I better go walk the halls again…you finish up in there, and relax a bit. I don’t think you’re in the proper state of mind to be in the company of children anymore anyway.

Well, I’ll give you that one, anyway. OK…just watch your back…if you’re not back in 10 minutes, I’ll call the cops.

Oh, don’t be silly…they can’t be that bad….

I Don't Care What Phil Said

I don’t care what Phil said…this is what I say…I need it by tomorrow morning. I need it to be finished and I need it to be perfect and I need it delivered to my room by 7am.

I don’t care what Phil said. Phil can kiss my ass…not that he hasn’t been doing it for 6 months anyway…Phil isn’t the one with his reputation on the line…I am.

Well then Phil can come up here and do the presentation…but maybe he should wait until he can shave without cutting himself, because these guys would eat him alive.

She kicks her 3-inch heels across the room and reaches for a bottle of water from the mini-bar.

Listen…I’ve gotta go…it’s almost 10 o’clock, and I still have a hundred things to do that you people should have had done before I got here.

Alright…just have it here by 7, OK? I’ll deal with the rest of it when I get back…My flight leaves here at 1pm, so check with the airline and make sure there’s a car at the airport when I land…and don’t forget to use the good limo company…the car you sent last time smelled like hooker threw up in it after she smoked a cigar.

OK…see you tomorrow.

Wow…it’s amazing some people actually make it through the day alive…she says to herself, as she continues to get undressed. She wraps her imported silk robe around her and walks to the bathroom. A nice, hot shower, and then some room service and a quick rehearsal in my head, and we should be good.
Now who the hell could that be? She runs for the phone, dripping wet, wrapping a towel in her hair as she goes. If that’s Phil , I swear I’ll…aaahhh! My toe!

Hello? OH…hi, Mom…how are you? Is something wrong? Why are you calling me here?

Are you sure?

Well, OK…as long as you’re sure…how’s Dad doing? Yeah, I know…what did the doctor say? What do you mean, nothing? How can they not know? They’re supposed to know everything…that’s why we pay them so much, for God’s sake!

Oh…I know…I’m sorry…no, I’m sure it’ll be fine…OH, Mom…please don’t cry…he’ll be fine…I….I just can’t right now, but I’ll see you on the weekend, Ok?

I love you too. Give Dad a kiss for me…maybe he’ll remember who I am this time…yeah, I hope so too.

Bye, Mom.

Men Need Protein

Yeah, room service…can I have the bacon cheeseburger and fries…can I have extra mayo with that? And an extra order of fries too…oh,and a chocolate shake. And what do you have for dessert? Oh, ok…the chocolate cake, I guess…and how late are you open? In case I wanted to order again later. Oh, ok…thanks. And how long will it be? OH, OK. Thanks.

Ok…just enough time for a shower, I guess…and then a movie…and bed.

Looking in the mirror…steam from the shower framing his ample torso and slowly closing in from the edges.

Hey, you know what…I don’t look that bad…Sheila’s just being picky…sure, I’m not the same size as when we got married, but no one is after 15 years. I sit at a desk all day…what do you expect?
He steps under the stream of hot water, soaping his belly, letting the soap run down, suddenly remembering that with his back brush, it sure is easier to reach behind.

Her and that damn diet of hers…just because she feels fat, she thinks she can inflict this misery on me too…her and that doctor are in cahoots, I tell you. Just because my blood pressure was a little high…it’s the stress, I tell you. I don’t get to stay home and just watch kids play all day…I have responsibilities. I’m an important man.

Salad, my ass…a man like me just can’t live on rabbit food. Men need protein.

I wonder if they have eggs benedict for breakfast…I love that sausage gravy they have here…hmmm maybe a couple of those cinnamon rolls too…where did that menu go?

Soul Mate

Oh My God! It’s so nice!

I know, right?

Ooh! And the bathroom! So cool!

Ok, so, like, should we just go down now, or should we wait, or what?

I don’t know…maybe we should just like wander the halls or something…but we have no idea what room he’s going to be in.

I know…but at least we got the hotel, right? I can’t believe you have to do your brother’s laundry for a whole month.

I know, but it’ll soooo be worth it if we get to see him in actual person.

I wonder if he’ll like be nice, or one of those people who just brush you off.

No, he’s different…he’s real…I just know he’ll like us…what are you going to wear?

I brought my red top, you know, the low cut one…remember when he said in that magazine that red was his favorite colour? I’m gonna use everything I can…oh, and I bought red underwear too…just in case…you know.

Oh no! I brought my red top too! Can’t you wear something else?

No…I didn’t bring anything else. It’ll be better this way anyway. The more red, the more noticeable, right?

Yeah, I guess you’re right. I can’t believe we’re in the same hotel as…as…oh, I think I’m gonna pass out or hurl or something.

Don’t you dare…we have work to do…can I borrow your black eyeliner? I can’t find mine.

Yeah, sure. Do you really think he’ll like us? I mean there might be a lot of girls here…how will he know we’re the ones who really like him for him and not just because he’s famous and stuff?

Oh, he’ll know…I bet he can sense that kind of thing. Besides, we know so much about his life, right? So if we get to talk to him, we just throw in stuff like his favorite movie, favorite band, he’ll already know we like his favorite colour.

Yeah, but what if he asks one of us back to his room and not the other?

Well, I guess we could meet up here later…or we could say that we’re not coming unless the other one comes too…but I don’t think that’ll happen. I mean he’ll have like a whole group of people and friends….like an entourage…there’ll be room for one more…no matter what.

He’s probably got this like killer suite on the top floor with like 8 rooms and staff and everything anyway…and if he decides he likes one of us, there’ll be lots of places to go.

It’s too bad he’s just here for one night.

Yeah, it’s hard to get to know people in just one night. But we already know all about him anyway, right? So that takes care of half of it.

Right! And I’ll bet he appreciates all the trouble we went through just to get here. Don’t forget to tell him about the laundry and stuff.

Yeah, I bet he’ll be impressed. I know he’ll love that we really did our homework and stuff…that we know all about him and his family and stuff…I can show him my notebooks I’ve been keeping…or do you think that’ll look to weird?

I don’t know…I think he’ll like the work, but then maybe you should show that you know everything off by heart, and don’t have to look in a book, like cheat notes.

Yeah, you’re right.

OK, you ready?

Yup, ready…let’s go meet out soul mate!

The Last Time?

She only wished that it could really wash it all away, like it seems to on TV.

Adjusting the water while holding the curtain to the side, she wonders how those women on TV just seem to step in to the water and it’s the perfect temperature immediately…no initial moment of scalding or freezing like in real life…just perfect.
Just like everyone else’s life seemed to be…like she is sure hers seems to be to everyone else.
No one at work would ever suspect what she did in this hotel room every Friday night…and she wouldn’t want them to.

This really is the best part, though…this wonderful shower…perfect pressure, nice and hot, no fluctuations in temperature to make her jump, and the luxury towels and robe they provide are just exquisite…just relax and forget what just happened.

Why does she do this? It’s not like she needs the money…
Outloud, she says “Just stop it! You have this conversation with yourself every week, and you never come up with an answer, so why do you keep doing this to yourself? Well, I guess I could answer that by saying with a resounding ‘because’.”

It’s really not so bad, though, she thinks, as she looks down to make sure she got all that glittery stuff off her thighs.
If it wasn’t everyone else being so dead-set against it, and making her feel like a piece of crap, maybe she wouldn’t hate herself so much for it.

She feels fairly confident that Oprah isn’t talking directly to her, but it sure seems that way sometimes.

It does have its good points, after all…like the sex itself is usually pretty good. She knows her own body well enough after all this time, that she can usually get off even if the John isn’t any good…because it’s not like any of them care if she orgasms or not. This, for them, is the ultimate self-indulgence, and she makes sure that they get their money’s worth.

Oh, God, this is the most wonderful feeling…just letting the water run down her naked body, using the most wonderful smelling soaps and shampoos. A girl has to treat herself right, you know…have some respect for herself.

As she towels herself off and pulls on the plush white robe, she is sure that she maybe probably might be done now, and this is the last time. She will have to call Miss Vanessa tomorrow and tell her that under no circumstances is she to book her again. Well, she’ll try, anyway. Although, maybe just one more wouldn’t hurt, and she could pay her credit cards down just a bit more and still afford to pay for the car. Well, we’ll see. The Senator says he misses her all week…she hates to disappoint. He’s such an important man.

Put Your Father on the Phone!

Ok, honey…would you put your father on the phone please?
Well I need to talk to him. Thanks honey.
OK, listen…I do this once a year…get it? I only ask for one night a year…one night. You get two weeks every November to go hunting. No one calls you looking for their left pink glove! Why can you not handle this crap? I do it 364 days a year…all I ask is that you do it for one.
OK…thank you…good bye.

Oh For God’s Sake!! I’m in the tub…what could possibly be important enough for you to call me again?
Well, I promise I can sew…I mean operate on Mr. Bear when I get home…just get Daddy to put a bandaid on for tonight and don’t put it…I mean him…down low enough for the dog to get him again, OK…he would probably be pretty tired after that incident anyway, so maybe the two of you should just go to bed. You know how when you’re sick, all you want to do is lay in bed? Well, I’m sure Mr. Bear feels the same way, and I promise he’ll be just fine til tomorrow, and you can help me operate on him then. I love you too. Now can I talk to your father again please?
I don’t care if she just pressed redial…you are supposed to be watching her! Good night! SLAM.

All I want to do is finish my bath and my book and my bottle of wine…yes, a whole bottle…who are you, AA? Finish my bath and my book and my bottle of wine and get a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I realize now that it is an impossible feat, not meant for mere mortals like me, but I would like to try anyway. So here we go one more time…the kids’ lunches are in the fridge. Please do not let them leave the house in the morning without them. Molly gets 2 stories after she brushes her teeth. She can wait up until Dylan is in bed with Mr. Bear…I will fix him tomorrow. Please do not attempt to sew him yourself. That will surely end in disaster, and I don’t know where we’ll find another one.
Then, dishes in the dishwasher…put the soap in and start it…normal wash…in the cupboard under the sink.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask…well wouldn’t you be snippy? It’s 7:00 and you have already called three times…I swear if this phone rings one more time, I’m not coming home ever again. I mean it. Yes, I do. Good night.
Room Service? Can I have another bottle of wine, and a club sandwich please…oh…and what kind of cheesecake do you have? OH, ok…great…two of those please

I miss you

On the phone…I know, honey…I’m just going to have a shower and go to bed…

I know…I hear you…but what can I do? Hal told me I had to be at this meeting in the morning…the clients asked for me specifically.

You know I wish I was at home with you and the girls…

I know, I hear you…and I promise I’ll do my best…

You know I love you.

OK…I’ll be flying home as soon as I can after the meeting tomorrow morning…should be home like 7 or 7:30.

No. Don’t worry about it…I’ll just take a cab. I know you’re busy.

I wish I didn’t have to do these meetings either, but Hal seems to think it’s necessary, and he’s the boss, so what can I do? Hopefully in another couple of years I’ll be in a position that I can tell him where to go.

OK…well, kiss the girls for me. I love you…I just wish I didn’t have to be away from you so much.

OK…well, I’m just going to jump in the shower, maybe order a $19.00 club sandwich, and go to bed…I’m beat.

See you tomorrow night.

OK, sweet pea…love you. Good night.

Oh God, I love this hotel… I swear it has the best shower in the entire city.

Quick rap rap at the door.

Just a second….I’ll be right there…

Oh, hi, Hal…I’m just getting out of the shower…want to join me?
God, I missed you.

You go ahead

OK, honey,…I’ll be out in a few minutes…I’m just going to have a shower…try to wash the day away, OK?

I know you want to go to dinner…I’ll just be a few minutes. We can’t go dressed for a funeral anyway. If you don’t want a shower, just get changed then. I just want to take my mind off of things for a few minutes, OK? Then I’ll come out, put my jeans on, and we can go. Whispering to herself, Wow…you would think after something like 17 little sandwiches, a person could stop eating long enough for his wife to take a shower.

And can you PLEASE hang up your suit? It’ll be a lot easier to iron again when we get home if you don’t ball it up and throw it in a corner like you usually do.

My God, I do love that man, but if I come out and he’s thrown that suit over the chair, I swear I’ll kill him. OK, no, I don’t mean that…that was a horrible thing to say today of all days.

It just seems so unreal…I can’t believe we’ve just been to the funeral of someone we went to high school with. We can’t be that old…not that 45 is old, it’s just that …ah Hell…maybe it is.
Natural causes my ass…there is nothing natural about a man dying of a heart attack at 45. It’s just wrong.

Maybe we should be looking at our lifestyle…I mean we could all eat less red meat and more vegetables, and drink less, and exercise more…but who has the time or money for that? And besides, I know myself…I’ll be a champion at it for about 4 days, and then I’ll make nachos for dinner on a Friday night and that’ll be that.

Honey, could you hand me my makeup bag please? Yes, the ugly one with the blue flowers…yeah, that’s it…ok, thanks. I’ll be out in ten…maybe fifteen.

Hey, nice water pressure…oh, my feet are so sore…I hate those shoes. But I suppose I only ever wear them for funerals, so what are you gonna do? I’m not buying another pair just for…for…for…oh GOD…no…
I can’t do this…why…why…why…oh God…not him…why him…

OK. Get ahold of yourself…stand up and get it together…there is no reason for your husband to know now…it’s been almost 30 years, and now he’s…he’s…aaaahhhhhhh……
Cough cough…ahem…ahem…

Yes, hon, I’m fine,…listen…why don’t you just go ahead and get a drink downstairs? I’ll be down in a bit…no sense you waiting up here. I’ll be a few minutes yet.OK…yeah…I love you too. See you down there.

Welcome

Welcome to the Viscount Hotel. My name is Joanna and I will be your guide for this adventure.

We will be flies on the wall in room 1408. We will see many different guests, and get to know some of them better than others, and some better than we would like to...

Oh wait, here comes one now...