So, sweetie, did you have fun today?
Yes, Daddy...the zoo was great...I've never seen real live tigers before...and elephants...and lions...and...and everything!!!
Did you enjoy your lunch in the safari hut?
Oh, yes, Daddy...it was great too! Our waiter was funny! He kept tickling me with his tail!
I know...I thought you would like that...it was fun, huh?
So now what do you want for dinner? You can have anything you want on the room service menu...you just pick...this is our special weekend...do you want to get a movie too? I think that one you wanted to see with the penguins in on here...come look.
OK...um...I want a chocolate sundae and a chocolate milkshake and chicken fingers and pizza and chocolate ice cream and...
Whoa! Whoa! Wait a sec...you're going too fast! OK...you just point to the stuff when I call the lady, ok?
OK. Thanks Daddy.
OK honey...you know I love you, right?
Yeah, Daddy...I know...
OK then...come on over here and thank your Daddy properly.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
It's Just Not Fair!
But it's just not fair...I've been a good husband, haven't I?
I mean everyone makes mistakes, right? But I'm a good person. And we love each other. At least we used to.
I just can't believe this is happening. Me...in a hotel...and her at home with the kids and the dog...it's like a god damned country song.
I mean sure, I left my stuff around...but what's the big deal? A few dishes here and there once in a while...and I know I wasn't as bad as she says with my clothes...what if something happened and I had to get up in the night?
And the nagging! I can hear you! Enough!
OK, so maybe I didn't do stuff exactly when she asked, but come on...we're all busy, right? I'll do it when I'm ready!
She knew what I was like when she married me...this is the problem with women...they always think they can change you! Well, I'm me and I'm not changing for anybody! She can kiss my ass!
Opens the mini-bar
I can't believe the prices on this shit.
Picks up the room phone
Front Desk? Is there anyplace around here I could buy some beer? Yeah...ok...ok...thanks.
OK, so where'd my wallet go?
Oh God...I love this picture...I can't believe there won't be any more family pictures. Oh God...no...it's just not fair!!!
I mean everyone makes mistakes, right? But I'm a good person. And we love each other. At least we used to.
I just can't believe this is happening. Me...in a hotel...and her at home with the kids and the dog...it's like a god damned country song.
I mean sure, I left my stuff around...but what's the big deal? A few dishes here and there once in a while...and I know I wasn't as bad as she says with my clothes...what if something happened and I had to get up in the night?
And the nagging! I can hear you! Enough!
OK, so maybe I didn't do stuff exactly when she asked, but come on...we're all busy, right? I'll do it when I'm ready!
She knew what I was like when she married me...this is the problem with women...they always think they can change you! Well, I'm me and I'm not changing for anybody! She can kiss my ass!
Opens the mini-bar
I can't believe the prices on this shit.
Picks up the room phone
Front Desk? Is there anyplace around here I could buy some beer? Yeah...ok...ok...thanks.
OK, so where'd my wallet go?
Oh God...I love this picture...I can't believe there won't be any more family pictures. Oh God...no...it's just not fair!!!
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Fieldtrip
Slam! Do you know what those little pricks are doing now? Where in God’s name did they get whipped cream? At least I hope it’s whipped cream…it smells kinda strong…oh Shit…
What? Calm down, Judy…what is it? So they sprayed some whipped cream…they’re on a school trip…what did you expect? That they’d be in bed by 8 all tucked in in their jammies with their teddy bears? They’re 12 yrs old!
Running for the shower….Jesus Christ! It is too! The little pricks don’t have whipped cream, Hillary…I think it’s hair removal stuff! Oh My God! I’ll kill them…I swear I’ll kill every last one of them…I’ll wring their little necks.
Judy! Calm down! They’re just kids…they didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sure. They’re just playing around. That’s what kids do on school trips.
They’re the spawn of Satan, I tell you…there is nothing about these kids that is normal…how did I get talked into this chaperoning thing anyway? Hand me that shampoo, would you? I haven’t even finished unpacking my bag yet…if I don’t get this out of my hair quick, it’ll all fall out.
Here you go. Use mine…I don’t want to root through your bag.
OK, thanks.
Maybe I better go walk the halls again…you finish up in there, and relax a bit. I don’t think you’re in the proper state of mind to be in the company of children anymore anyway.
Well, I’ll give you that one, anyway. OK…just watch your back…if you’re not back in 10 minutes, I’ll call the cops.
Oh, don’t be silly…they can’t be that bad….
What? Calm down, Judy…what is it? So they sprayed some whipped cream…they’re on a school trip…what did you expect? That they’d be in bed by 8 all tucked in in their jammies with their teddy bears? They’re 12 yrs old!
Running for the shower….Jesus Christ! It is too! The little pricks don’t have whipped cream, Hillary…I think it’s hair removal stuff! Oh My God! I’ll kill them…I swear I’ll kill every last one of them…I’ll wring their little necks.
Judy! Calm down! They’re just kids…they didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sure. They’re just playing around. That’s what kids do on school trips.
They’re the spawn of Satan, I tell you…there is nothing about these kids that is normal…how did I get talked into this chaperoning thing anyway? Hand me that shampoo, would you? I haven’t even finished unpacking my bag yet…if I don’t get this out of my hair quick, it’ll all fall out.
Here you go. Use mine…I don’t want to root through your bag.
OK, thanks.
Maybe I better go walk the halls again…you finish up in there, and relax a bit. I don’t think you’re in the proper state of mind to be in the company of children anymore anyway.
Well, I’ll give you that one, anyway. OK…just watch your back…if you’re not back in 10 minutes, I’ll call the cops.
Oh, don’t be silly…they can’t be that bad….
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I Don't Care What Phil Said
I don’t care what Phil said…this is what I say…I need it by tomorrow morning. I need it to be finished and I need it to be perfect and I need it delivered to my room by 7am.
I don’t care what Phil said. Phil can kiss my ass…not that he hasn’t been doing it for 6 months anyway…Phil isn’t the one with his reputation on the line…I am.
Well then Phil can come up here and do the presentation…but maybe he should wait until he can shave without cutting himself, because these guys would eat him alive.
She kicks her 3-inch heels across the room and reaches for a bottle of water from the mini-bar.
Listen…I’ve gotta go…it’s almost 10 o’clock, and I still have a hundred things to do that you people should have had done before I got here.
Alright…just have it here by 7, OK? I’ll deal with the rest of it when I get back…My flight leaves here at 1pm, so check with the airline and make sure there’s a car at the airport when I land…and don’t forget to use the good limo company…the car you sent last time smelled like hooker threw up in it after she smoked a cigar.
OK…see you tomorrow.
Wow…it’s amazing some people actually make it through the day alive…she says to herself, as she continues to get undressed. She wraps her imported silk robe around her and walks to the bathroom. A nice, hot shower, and then some room service and a quick rehearsal in my head, and we should be good.
Now who the hell could that be? She runs for the phone, dripping wet, wrapping a towel in her hair as she goes. If that’s Phil , I swear I’ll…aaahhh! My toe!
Hello? OH…hi, Mom…how are you? Is something wrong? Why are you calling me here?
Are you sure?
Well, OK…as long as you’re sure…how’s Dad doing? Yeah, I know…what did the doctor say? What do you mean, nothing? How can they not know? They’re supposed to know everything…that’s why we pay them so much, for God’s sake!
Oh…I know…I’m sorry…no, I’m sure it’ll be fine…OH, Mom…please don’t cry…he’ll be fine…I….I just can’t right now, but I’ll see you on the weekend, Ok?
I love you too. Give Dad a kiss for me…maybe he’ll remember who I am this time…yeah, I hope so too.
Bye, Mom.
I don’t care what Phil said. Phil can kiss my ass…not that he hasn’t been doing it for 6 months anyway…Phil isn’t the one with his reputation on the line…I am.
Well then Phil can come up here and do the presentation…but maybe he should wait until he can shave without cutting himself, because these guys would eat him alive.
She kicks her 3-inch heels across the room and reaches for a bottle of water from the mini-bar.
Listen…I’ve gotta go…it’s almost 10 o’clock, and I still have a hundred things to do that you people should have had done before I got here.
Alright…just have it here by 7, OK? I’ll deal with the rest of it when I get back…My flight leaves here at 1pm, so check with the airline and make sure there’s a car at the airport when I land…and don’t forget to use the good limo company…the car you sent last time smelled like hooker threw up in it after she smoked a cigar.
OK…see you tomorrow.
Wow…it’s amazing some people actually make it through the day alive…she says to herself, as she continues to get undressed. She wraps her imported silk robe around her and walks to the bathroom. A nice, hot shower, and then some room service and a quick rehearsal in my head, and we should be good.
Now who the hell could that be? She runs for the phone, dripping wet, wrapping a towel in her hair as she goes. If that’s Phil , I swear I’ll…aaahhh! My toe!
Hello? OH…hi, Mom…how are you? Is something wrong? Why are you calling me here?
Are you sure?
Well, OK…as long as you’re sure…how’s Dad doing? Yeah, I know…what did the doctor say? What do you mean, nothing? How can they not know? They’re supposed to know everything…that’s why we pay them so much, for God’s sake!
Oh…I know…I’m sorry…no, I’m sure it’ll be fine…OH, Mom…please don’t cry…he’ll be fine…I….I just can’t right now, but I’ll see you on the weekend, Ok?
I love you too. Give Dad a kiss for me…maybe he’ll remember who I am this time…yeah, I hope so too.
Bye, Mom.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Men Need Protein
Yeah, room service…can I have the bacon cheeseburger and fries…can I have extra mayo with that? And an extra order of fries too…oh,and a chocolate shake. And what do you have for dessert? Oh, ok…the chocolate cake, I guess…and how late are you open? In case I wanted to order again later. Oh, ok…thanks. And how long will it be? OH, OK. Thanks.
Ok…just enough time for a shower, I guess…and then a movie…and bed.
Looking in the mirror…steam from the shower framing his ample torso and slowly closing in from the edges.
Hey, you know what…I don’t look that bad…Sheila’s just being picky…sure, I’m not the same size as when we got married, but no one is after 15 years. I sit at a desk all day…what do you expect?
He steps under the stream of hot water, soaping his belly, letting the soap run down, suddenly remembering that with his back brush, it sure is easier to reach behind.
Her and that damn diet of hers…just because she feels fat, she thinks she can inflict this misery on me too…her and that doctor are in cahoots, I tell you. Just because my blood pressure was a little high…it’s the stress, I tell you. I don’t get to stay home and just watch kids play all day…I have responsibilities. I’m an important man.
Salad, my ass…a man like me just can’t live on rabbit food. Men need protein.
I wonder if they have eggs benedict for breakfast…I love that sausage gravy they have here…hmmm maybe a couple of those cinnamon rolls too…where did that menu go?
Ok…just enough time for a shower, I guess…and then a movie…and bed.
Looking in the mirror…steam from the shower framing his ample torso and slowly closing in from the edges.
Hey, you know what…I don’t look that bad…Sheila’s just being picky…sure, I’m not the same size as when we got married, but no one is after 15 years. I sit at a desk all day…what do you expect?
He steps under the stream of hot water, soaping his belly, letting the soap run down, suddenly remembering that with his back brush, it sure is easier to reach behind.
Her and that damn diet of hers…just because she feels fat, she thinks she can inflict this misery on me too…her and that doctor are in cahoots, I tell you. Just because my blood pressure was a little high…it’s the stress, I tell you. I don’t get to stay home and just watch kids play all day…I have responsibilities. I’m an important man.
Salad, my ass…a man like me just can’t live on rabbit food. Men need protein.
I wonder if they have eggs benedict for breakfast…I love that sausage gravy they have here…hmmm maybe a couple of those cinnamon rolls too…where did that menu go?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Soul Mate
Oh My God! It’s so nice!
I know, right?
Ooh! And the bathroom! So cool!
Ok, so, like, should we just go down now, or should we wait, or what?
I don’t know…maybe we should just like wander the halls or something…but we have no idea what room he’s going to be in.
I know…but at least we got the hotel, right? I can’t believe you have to do your brother’s laundry for a whole month.
I know, but it’ll soooo be worth it if we get to see him in actual person.
I wonder if he’ll like be nice, or one of those people who just brush you off.
No, he’s different…he’s real…I just know he’ll like us…what are you going to wear?
I brought my red top, you know, the low cut one…remember when he said in that magazine that red was his favorite colour? I’m gonna use everything I can…oh, and I bought red underwear too…just in case…you know.
Oh no! I brought my red top too! Can’t you wear something else?
No…I didn’t bring anything else. It’ll be better this way anyway. The more red, the more noticeable, right?
Yeah, I guess you’re right. I can’t believe we’re in the same hotel as…as…oh, I think I’m gonna pass out or hurl or something.
Don’t you dare…we have work to do…can I borrow your black eyeliner? I can’t find mine.
Yeah, sure. Do you really think he’ll like us? I mean there might be a lot of girls here…how will he know we’re the ones who really like him for him and not just because he’s famous and stuff?
Oh, he’ll know…I bet he can sense that kind of thing. Besides, we know so much about his life, right? So if we get to talk to him, we just throw in stuff like his favorite movie, favorite band, he’ll already know we like his favorite colour.
Yeah, but what if he asks one of us back to his room and not the other?
Well, I guess we could meet up here later…or we could say that we’re not coming unless the other one comes too…but I don’t think that’ll happen. I mean he’ll have like a whole group of people and friends….like an entourage…there’ll be room for one more…no matter what.
He’s probably got this like killer suite on the top floor with like 8 rooms and staff and everything anyway…and if he decides he likes one of us, there’ll be lots of places to go.
It’s too bad he’s just here for one night.
Yeah, it’s hard to get to know people in just one night. But we already know all about him anyway, right? So that takes care of half of it.
Right! And I’ll bet he appreciates all the trouble we went through just to get here. Don’t forget to tell him about the laundry and stuff.
Yeah, I bet he’ll be impressed. I know he’ll love that we really did our homework and stuff…that we know all about him and his family and stuff…I can show him my notebooks I’ve been keeping…or do you think that’ll look to weird?
I don’t know…I think he’ll like the work, but then maybe you should show that you know everything off by heart, and don’t have to look in a book, like cheat notes.
Yeah, you’re right.
OK, you ready?
Yup, ready…let’s go meet out soul mate!
I know, right?
Ooh! And the bathroom! So cool!
Ok, so, like, should we just go down now, or should we wait, or what?
I don’t know…maybe we should just like wander the halls or something…but we have no idea what room he’s going to be in.
I know…but at least we got the hotel, right? I can’t believe you have to do your brother’s laundry for a whole month.
I know, but it’ll soooo be worth it if we get to see him in actual person.
I wonder if he’ll like be nice, or one of those people who just brush you off.
No, he’s different…he’s real…I just know he’ll like us…what are you going to wear?
I brought my red top, you know, the low cut one…remember when he said in that magazine that red was his favorite colour? I’m gonna use everything I can…oh, and I bought red underwear too…just in case…you know.
Oh no! I brought my red top too! Can’t you wear something else?
No…I didn’t bring anything else. It’ll be better this way anyway. The more red, the more noticeable, right?
Yeah, I guess you’re right. I can’t believe we’re in the same hotel as…as…oh, I think I’m gonna pass out or hurl or something.
Don’t you dare…we have work to do…can I borrow your black eyeliner? I can’t find mine.
Yeah, sure. Do you really think he’ll like us? I mean there might be a lot of girls here…how will he know we’re the ones who really like him for him and not just because he’s famous and stuff?
Oh, he’ll know…I bet he can sense that kind of thing. Besides, we know so much about his life, right? So if we get to talk to him, we just throw in stuff like his favorite movie, favorite band, he’ll already know we like his favorite colour.
Yeah, but what if he asks one of us back to his room and not the other?
Well, I guess we could meet up here later…or we could say that we’re not coming unless the other one comes too…but I don’t think that’ll happen. I mean he’ll have like a whole group of people and friends….like an entourage…there’ll be room for one more…no matter what.
He’s probably got this like killer suite on the top floor with like 8 rooms and staff and everything anyway…and if he decides he likes one of us, there’ll be lots of places to go.
It’s too bad he’s just here for one night.
Yeah, it’s hard to get to know people in just one night. But we already know all about him anyway, right? So that takes care of half of it.
Right! And I’ll bet he appreciates all the trouble we went through just to get here. Don’t forget to tell him about the laundry and stuff.
Yeah, I bet he’ll be impressed. I know he’ll love that we really did our homework and stuff…that we know all about him and his family and stuff…I can show him my notebooks I’ve been keeping…or do you think that’ll look to weird?
I don’t know…I think he’ll like the work, but then maybe you should show that you know everything off by heart, and don’t have to look in a book, like cheat notes.
Yeah, you’re right.
OK, you ready?
Yup, ready…let’s go meet out soul mate!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
